Folks, this is a long one...so strap yourselves in.
Ok...off the bat, let me just say that I came to three realizations last night. Two of which I already knew but just didn't want to admit but now I will. Let me back up and tell you that I went to happy hour last night with my new neighbor friends: BigSis, the grad student, is 23 and LilSis, the undergrad, is 21. Happy hour started for us around 6:00 last night. I strolled in the door this morning at 3:41am. Yeah. Why, you ask? Well, let's start with realization numero uno.
Realization #1: My neighbors are NOT as sweet an innocent as they seem
They brought me wine and food and apologized for not coming over sooner. How sweet is that? As we drank a bottle of wine and got to know each other, they seemed so down to earth and laid back. Just the kind of girls I needed to be around as I try to maintain the calm, simple "No Drama" life.
Oh...smoke more crack, Skippy.
Twenty minutes into happy hour, they were TOTALLY different people. Kinda like the quiet, reserved librarian that has a couple of drinks and ends up dancing on the desk in a Van Halen video in her bra and panties. It was ridiculous. We walked into the bar and BigSis immediately set up four different kinds of shots for the three of us. I hadn't eaten anything so after those four shots I'm swimming...and not in a good way. The sisters, on the other hand, were like Coyote Ugly dancers. Tequila shots. Gone. I don't know what the next drink was but it was lime green and on fire. Slam. They order up Irish Car Bombs. Down them like they're 7-up Spritzers. At this point I'm trying to stay on the bar stool. I need food in a BAD way. The sisters look like they could wrestle bears and come out on top. Which brings me to realization number two...
Realization #2: I CANNOT hold own my against two raging collegiate alocholics
It's true. I can't. I thought I could drink but these two are phenoms. And with every drink, the college boy sharks are circling and smelling blood in the water. I finally convince them to get a table so we can get some food. The beer flows STRAIGHT thru dinner. The food helps a little but I'm so behind that it's hopeless to think I'll catch up to sobriety...ever again. They want to drive across town to another bar but NONE of us are in any shape to drive so I convince them that we should just walk down the street to a different bar. We saddle up to the bar and immediately we all have tequila shots and the sisters have another Irish Car Bomb. Then, like magic, we're SURROUNDED by frat punks. So willing to buy us shots and drinks and talk to us. I decided to nurse a beer while I try to get myself under control. I had several cute conversations with a couple of frat boys who are under the DELUSION that my panties are coming off. Their pick up lines were SOOO cute, though, and I told them that. Guys don't find that kind of comment very flattering, BTW. LilSis disappears for about a half an hour. I don't even think BigSis realized she was gone. I did. Which brings us to our third realization...
Realization #3: I've become the responsible one
Ok, that may be an overgeneralization...but you know what I mean. I realize that LilSis is gone so I do the responsible thing and go looking for her as she is in no shape to be on her own. Seeing as I know absolutely NOBODY in the joint...it's slow going. It's not a huge place, how hard can this be? NO luck though. As I'm walking back up to the bar to find BigSis and ATTEMPT to get her interested in the fact that her sister is missing, LisSis comes walking in the front door with a guy and a part of my heart breaks off because I know EXACTLY where she's been and what she's been doing. I can just tell by looking at them. She stumbles/walks up to me and give me high fives. I brush the hair out of her face and say
"I think you've had enough, sweetie."
And with that she lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles up to me like a child and says
"You're right. Can we go home?"
Keeping track of these two, though, is a little like herding cats. BigSis is nowhere to be found. I sit LisSis down in a booth and trudge off to find the other. There she is...over in the corner playing pool with a group of Chia Punks. One of them has his hands all over her in an attempt to "show" her how to shoot (we've all been there ladies, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about). If they were naked it would have been a great porn scene. I tell her that it's time to go because her sister is hurtin' in a major way. She finally agrees after some serious convincing (this is YOUR sister, bitch, not mine). Oddly enough, the guys don't want her to leave:
Chia Punk #1: She can stay if she wants to
Chia Punk #2: Yeah, we'll make sure she gets home.
Me: Yeah, right. I believe that.
Chia Punk #1: We will.
Me: Before or after you rape her?
Chia Punk #2: hey bitch, you're not her mom. She can do what she wants.
Me: Son, don't fuck with me or you'll wake up with that pool cue shoved up your dick.
(his boys all start "whoopin" and doggin' him)
I grab BigSis, we both grab LilSis and make our way out. Chia Punk #2, under the impression that he has been CLEARLY wronged, follows us out, still talkin' trash. At this point, after seeing her sister, BigSis is ready to go too and wants nothing to do with Chia Punk. He's unrelenting, though, in his quest to get her to stay. Up till now, LilSis has been a lifeless body. She suddenly springs to life like a NINJA and gets in this guys face. She tells him to leave her sister alone and proceeds to kick him SQUARE in the balls. Not. even. lying. As our extreme misfortune would have it, there are two cops close by. Seeing the "melee" they make their way over to assist us. Long story short, Chia Punk and LilSis get taken away for public drunk and assault. I was smart enough to make BigSis walk away so the cops wouldn't associate her and I was sober enough by this point. I tried to convince them that I was taking her home but the boot to the berries was enough to push them over the edge.
So there I was...bailing a girl I barely know out of jail at 3:15 in the AM with money I really didn't have. It was a silent car ride home. I got them into their apartment, got poor Buster taken out, then crashed on my couch, fully dressed.
Welcome to Boulder, Colorado, boys and girls...